I get complaints from coworkers that her flesh-baring outfits are distracting and unprofessional. I contacted HR and their response was for me to handle it. I know you’re not meant to comment on appearances, and this is a touchy sensitive topic. Help!

— Work Attire

Dear Attire: Ask your HR department for clarification about what they mean when they say you should handle it. What does handling it look like? Is there a dress code that you can cite? And, most importantly, by engaging with your coworker about her attire, could you potentially create liability issues for yourself or the company?

Ultimately, unless your company has an applicable policy that HR can point you toward, and that is enforced consistently, you’d do best to focus your feedback on her job performance. If other coworkers have an issue with her style of dress, direct them to talk to HR. Your coworkers may feel that her style of dress creates a hostile work environment. HR needs this feedback to help create or clarify applicable policies that keep everyone safe.

Remember that workplace standards should be applied equally to all employees. Document any guidance you receive from HR before taking action to protect yourself and your employee.

Dear Eric: I have been in a second marriage for 15 years. For the past few years, I have been concerned that my second husband’s story about his first wife may be untrue. This is strongly affecting my feelings about him and his adult daughter. I am seeing more signs of distrust. How can I put my negative suspicions at rest? Can I contact the first wife?

— Marital Doubts

Dear Doubts: It’s possible this is a chicken-and-egg situation, as in you may have doubts because of the story or you may be thinking about the story because of doubts that were already working their way through your marriage in other areas. Before contacting the first wife, ask yourself some questions.

Why do you think this story isn’t true? Why is this affecting your feelings about your husband’s daughter? Is it possible they’re both telling an untrue story? After so long, did something happen that changed your thinking? Are there other aspects of your marriage that you have doubts about? If the story isn’t true, would that give you cause for concern or indicate that you’re unsafe?

Next, talk about your questions and concerns with a friend or other loved one. It will be helpful to get another perspective. Even if they don’t have insight into your husband’s story, they can help you navigate the mental and emotional stress.

After that, the best course of action might be to talk it through with your husband. This, of course, is dependent on the nature of the story and your friend’s feedback. I don’t like being so general or vague, but there are many unknowns here. What’s most important is that you keep yourself safe and loop in someone you trust.

Dear Eric: In the letter from “Frustrated Sister-in-Law”, the writer wanted to know what to do with her brother-in-law constantly asking for her share of the inheritance left to her by her father. What she should do is tell him she considered his point-of-view and that she agrees with him that it was not fair that she and her husband received as much as the less wealthy sisters. In that light, she has donated the entire sum she received to her dad’s favorite charity. And then thank him for helping her realize the best use of the money that he felt she didn’t need or deserve. That may quiet him down.

— Regifting

Dear Regifting: This gave me a good chuckle. It’s a creative solution that may not stop his ire but will certainly put the money to better use. (And I hope the letter writer does consider spreading some goodness around via donation to worthy causes.)

Another reader pointed out that, were the letter writer to acquiesce to her brother-in-law’s unreasonable demands, the money would be considered a gift and thereby subject to taxes. That’s not what her father intended, either.

Lastly, to the letter writer, I want to underscore that your brother-in-law’s aggressive behavior is not only an inappropriate intrusion but could indicate an unhealthy dynamic in his marriage to your sister. Consider talking with her — away from him — about the risk of emotional abuse through isolation (or even coercive control of finances). Remind her that she’s not alone and she doesn’t have to accept this.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

I’ve been back in my hometown for a few years now and have spent quite a lot of time with him doing things friends do. He has had some intermittent blindness, and his sight is back to normal after a few hours.

I’ve asked him what his doctor has said about it, and his response is “they want me to do an MRI and I’m claustrophobic and not doing that.”

Eric, how do I respect that decision when it could be a life-threatening issue? He and I have talked about it but it always ends by changing the subject. I know there’s nothing I can do. Your thoughts, please?

— Caring Friend

Dear Friend: Respect has multiple definitions. You can respect his decision by acknowledging it and abiding by it without necessarily agreeing with it or thinking highly of it. Even if it doesn’t feel like it, you may already be taking the best approach in this difficult situation.

When a mentally competent adult refuses medical care, sometimes the only option is to listen and validate their feelings. Intermittent blindness is indeed alarming and could indicate serious conditions. His previous cancer experience may have left him traumatized, fearful or simply exhausted by treatments.

Communication is key to understanding what’s really happening — whether it’s medical anxiety, hopelessness or a deeper mental health issue that might require intervention. If you haven’t already, consider asking about options like open MRIs or CT scans instead of traditional MRIs. Through conversation, you can explore alternatives and better understanding his needs in hopes of offering different kinds of support. Does he want or need someone to come to the doctor with him, for instance?

While armchair diagnoses won’t be helpful for either of you, asking thoughtful questions about his current medical care, comfort level with his doctors and the information he’s received might reveal new perspectives or options he hasn’t considered.

As you work to support him, please remember to care for yourself. This situation is undoubtedly frightening and stressful for you as well. Make time to process your own emotions by reaching out to someone you trust.

Dear Eric: I have a wonderful relationship with my neighbor, “Jody.” We have gone to church and Bible study together, we have gone out for dinner, we have exchanged recipes and dinner items and prayed together. That’s why my problem is such a sensitive one. Jody has a mentally challenged son “Troy” who lives independently and takes the bus up from a different city each Friday to spend the weekend with his mother. He is a very sweet boy who is a big help to his mom who has myriad health problems. On occasion when Jody is having a bad day, she has asked me to drive to pick Troy up. This has happened on six occasions so far. It is a 30-mile round trip from our neighborhood. While I’m happy to help Jody when I can, driving 30 miles uses up a lot of gas in my SUV. I know that Jody is not hard-up for money, but my income is quite limited (Social Security).

Can you suggest how I might broach this issue to my good friend without causing a rift between us? I can’t think of a way to phrase it that wouldn’t put her off. I don’t want anything to come between us because she is a dear woman, and I wouldn’t hurt her for the world.

— Carpooling

Dear Carpooling: At the risk of overanalyzing, I wonder if there’s a part of you that thinks it’s uncharitable to ask for reimbursement from a friend. I humbly suggest that it’s not, and Jody may not think it is, either. You’d still be spending your time and energy doing this out of the goodness of your heart; it’s good to let your friend know how she can help you help her.

The words you wrote to me are perfect: “Jody, I am happy to drive Troy and it’s really meaningful that you trust me to help in this way. The only thing is that gas is hard for me to manage financially. Would you be willing to cover the cost of a tank (or whatever portion of a tank it is)?” You could even, if you feel comfortable, share your concerns that this request might affect your friendship.

Think of it this way: how would Jody feel if she knew these trips are creating so much stress for you, both financially and emotionally? Surely, she’d want to do what she can to alleviate it.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

— Disgusted Godmom

Dear Godmom: You can respect your goddaughter’s mother’s choice while drawing a personal line with the father. Either before the wedding or in a private moment on the day of, tell him the truth. “I find it really hard to accept this new information I’ve learned. Your marriage is your business, but I can’t have a relationship with you. For the sake of your daughter, I’m bringing this up now so that we can be civil while still giving each other space.” Weddings are busy events with a lot of different interactions. You won’t be able to avoid taking photos with him, but by being clear upfront, you can avoid small talk made with gritted teeth.

Dear Eric: My favorite local pub has wonderful food except for the fries. They take up half the plate and are inedible. My last chicken sandwich was flanked with a huge serving of flaccid cardboard-tasting fries served cold. The owner would probably save money and keep customers if they served bagged frozen beer-battered fries which are predictable and cheap. Three meals at this pub over a month with no improvement in the fries is my limit. How should I let the owner know his soggy fries are running me off? Just serve potato salad if you like them wet and cold like that. Reliable, delicious fries are one of the pillars of a good pub feed and a trusted bar.

— French Fry Flop

Dear French Fry: I love low-stakes drama, and I love French fries, so I’m eating this question up (with ketchup and sometimes ranch). A simple path: Just tell the owner what your experience has been and what you’d like to see coming out of the kitchen. They’d surely appreciate a direct conversation with a customer willing to give them another chance more than a stranger leaving a scathing online review.

A good way into this conversation, and others like it, is to ask, “Are you open to some feedback?” Now, sometimes the answer is “No, thank you.” But the restaurant industry lives on word-of-mouth (pun partially intended). If you don’t like the fries, you’re not likely to recommend the pub. If you do, you’ll bring friends to the place. You write that it’s your favorite pub, save for this one thing. If I were the owner, I’d want to make it your favorite place without reservation. And if this particular owner brushes you off, maybe next time order a salad or soup on the side instead.

Dear Eric: This is in response to “Seriously Scratching”, who has an aversion to dogs in public spaces. I am a practicing attorney. I am also disabled and require the assistance of my service dog to function.

A genuine service dog should not be approaching strangers unless their handler is in need of urgent assistance. If a dog is being disruptive, such as barking (with the exception of barking to alert to something like a medical condition), wandering or displaying aggression, the management of a restaurant or other business can legally ask that the dog be removed from the premises.

I’ve noticed untrained Emotional Support Animals (ESAs) being presented as service dogs. This is often not intentional fraud but is due to the handler not understanding the difference between an ESA and a service dog. ESAs provide comfort and emotional support for their handlers and are exempt from certain travel and housing laws, however, they do not have any public access rights.

Staff of any restaurant, store or other business are permitted to ask a handler with a dog two questions: “Is that a service dog?” and “What task is the dog trained to perform?” If the answer to the second question is, “The dog provides emotional support,” that person can be asked to remove the animal, because the Americans with Disabilities Act specifically states that providing emotional support is not considered a task.

— The Lady with the Dog

Dear Lady: This is a helpful distinction. I chose to print it not to pit those with ESAs against those with Service Dogs, and I don’t think your letter does that. Instead, I think it highlights the importance of communication, education, and compassion for others. These dogs provide valuable services. When the humans they care for operate responsibly, everyone gets to coexist peacefully.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

One late evening, I picked them up at the dance studio and we came home. Everyone was tired (especially ME!) and so they decided to hit the sack. Around 10, I thought I heard muffled whimpering and screeching. Thinking I was just dreaming or not fully awake, I fell back to sleep. The noise got louder and woke me up.

I opened up the door to the boys’ room and was shocked and horrified. My younger boy was bound with his hands behind him and duct tape over his mouth. My older boy was on him with his sweaty soles in his face, tickling the younger boy at the same time, to the point where my younger son had lost control of his bowels. I screamed for him to “Stop!” My older son just kept grinning and continued.

After a shocked minute, I started to yank him off of the younger boy. I told my husband when he got home and was more angered about how dismissive he was. Something to the effect of “boys will be boys.” He said I was “making a mountain out of a molehill.”

I felt guilty when my younger boy asked me why I stood there for a while before stopping that. I’m hoping I’m not a bad parent for going back to sleep when I didn’t think anything was wrong. Am I guilty of being a bad mom? I think my husband needs a wake-up call.

— Mom of Two

Dear Mom: You’re not a bad mom. You intervened; you stopped a distressingly chaotic scene. (Duct tape? Really?) But you should put in safeguards to keep this kind of thing from happening again.

Boys being boys is used to excuse a wide range of behaviors, from the benign to the unacceptable. It’s not a useful catchall. Siblings get into skirmishes, but parents should pay close attention that it doesn’t become bullying or abuse, especially as the age/maturity difference between siblings results in a power imbalance.

You and your husband must make sure that both boys know that unwanted touching — and that includes tickling — is not allowed. And restraint? Not only not allowed, but dangerous. Being firm about this with your older son communicates to him that he needs to find healthier outlets for his energy (you can also help with this). Additionally, it communicates to your younger son that he’s safe at home.

Dear Eric: Our 63-year-old sister “Josie” has always been naive, gullible and more of a follower than a leader. She does not have a college education but always seems to fall into a job that pays well. In the past seven years, she has reunited with a friend from a previous job, and this is when we noticed a dramatic change in her mental state. The family has been dealing with her conspiracy theories and beliefs of aliens living under Walmart; Josie states that she is a star seed from another planet.

She took an antidepressant years ago but weaned her way off of it. She has admitted to anxiety recently but will not go back on a pill due to having no trust in Big Pharma who makes them.

Josie has a daughter who lives out of state and does not know the level of concern that we have for her mental state. My niece asked me to join her mom in visiting her, but I cannot take more than two hours with Josie, let alone a week. Do we let her live her life in LaLa Land or suggest that she needs an intervention or counseling?

— Concerned Sisters

Dear Sisters: While it might have initially seemed that, by linking up with an old coworker, Josie was following a misguided way of thinking, the sudden change suggests that she could be experiencing a mental health crisis. Intervention could help keep her safe.

Talk to your niece about your concerns and see if she shares them. You can be honest that an extended trip isn’t something you can do, but consider a shorter visit with the intention of getting a better idea of what’s going on with Josie. Open communication amongst the family about what you’re witnessing, reasonable expectations and what you can do to help is key. You can find resources for having these pre-conversations and additional support on the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website (samhsa.gov).

Write down what you’re observing when you hear from Josie. Listen to Josie without judgment and reflect back what you’re hearing, also without judgment. This will make it easier for her to trust you when you offer support or suggest that she seek professional help.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

I try only to listen and not give any feedback. They also have asked for information on how to improve their job skills, which I have offered suggestions only to have them come back to me stating that the boss suggested other ideas instead. I would like suggestions on how to communicate with this person without hurting their feelings and keep the workday positive.

— Coworker Struggle

Dear Coworker: Some professional distance will help here and stave off hurt feelings. Let’s start with the work advice. Since your coworker seems to be crowdsourcing career guidance, next time you’re solicited, redirect them. “I’m not the best person to ask; your boss will have a better understanding of your job functions and performance.” Or, even more casually: “I’m not the one handing out the raises, so you’re better off just going up the ladder.”

While getting coaching from peers is a fine idea, you didn’t sign up for this. A reminder of that, itself, could be helpful peer advice. Understanding what’s appropriate at work is crucial to job success.

Having personal relationships at work can make the job easier and improve one’s performance, but if the relationship is distracting you or bringing you down, you can pump the brakes by reminding your coworker about the standards and limits you’ve set for yourself.

It’s fine to be direct about this by saying, “Work isn’t the best place to talk about this and I’m not in the right space to hear it. Can we shift gears?”

You might even ask for a break in conversation altogether. “I can’t talk a lot today. I’ve got too much work to do.” While the issue for you might be the depressing nature of these stories, more broadly it will help your coworker to think through how much personal revelation is good for the workplace.

Dear Eric: My daughter died in 2009 at the age of 26. She had a chronic condition at the time and treatment was not available in the United States. She died in Mexico at a top hospital.

At the time she died I had a friend of nearly 35 years. He came to the funeral but the only time I have seen him since is at his father’s funeral. No personal contact other than the card sent on my birthday along with a package one year, which I threw away without opening. One of his siblings tried to intervene by telling me how sorry he is. That didn’t go well as I no longer speak to that person.

My anger is so great toward him that if I would see him in public, I don’t know what I would do. Every time I see or come across something that reminds me of the things we did together I could explode.

I am still bitter, and grief stricken by her death so many years ago. So, what do you think?

— Abandoned Friend

Dear Friend: I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. The intense grief has only been compounded by the loss of this friendship, and for that I’m sorry, too. From time to time in this column, people write letters about not knowing what to say or do when a friend or loved one is grieving. It’s common to feel trapped, not wanting to make things worse with the wrong words. The guidance is always the same: just reach out. I wish that your friend had heard this years ago.

You’re justified in your anger. But I want you to be free of this, as much as possible, so that you can continue to care for yourself. One option is to acknowledge for yourself that your friend’s behavior was hurtful, that they didn’t make the right choices, and that it had real, long-lasting consequences. Then, acknowledge that they’re a human and, like us all, prone to terrible mistakes. Choose to release them — not necessarily forgiving or forgetting, just moving it to the past so that it’s not always such a fresh wound.

Another option is to reach out to your friend directly and tell them, “I felt very hurt when you didn’t reach out. It was made worse by your continued distance over the last decade. It’s made my grief harder to navigate.” This doesn’t have to be a step on the path to reconciliation. Sometimes we simply have to have a conversation in which harm is conceded on both sides. There may be nothing that can be done to make amends, but you don’t have to continue to relive this pain.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

After dinner I suggested we all go into the family room to chat, that we would have dessert a little later. I was arranging extra chairs in the family room when I looked up and saw my sisters-in-law bringing all the desserts to the kitchen table. I was told we were going to eat dessert immediately. Everyone was trying to balance their dessert plates on their laps, when my 8-year-old niece dropped an entire piece of chocolate cake on the rug.

As we were cleaning up my husband mentioned that he thought his sisters were out of line. They have always been a little “pushy,” but I have either made light of it or ignored it. For some reason this has really bothered me. Am I wrong to be angry?

— Unhappy Host

Dear Host: Wine on the heirloom and cake on the rug? I’d be miffed, too. It can be great when guests make themselves at home, but not everyone runs their home the same way.

Let’s say they saw themselves as being helpful, a “many hands make light work” situation. The work is only light if the many hands are all working together. It sounds like your sisters-in-law need some gentle but strong direction — “No, dessert won’t work in the family room. Let’s stick to my plan.”

Hosting can be a complicated and tiring undertaking, even when it’s gladly done. You and your husband should discuss how you want to handle future “assumptions.” You may find that your house isn’t always available. Or, if you do host again, perhaps he can be the sister-manager, thereby freeing you up to enjoy your hard work.

Dear Eric: This is in reference to the grandmother who was given a strict list of acceptable presents for her grandchild but wanted to buy other things. (“Joyless Grandparent”).

How about contributing to her grandchild’s college fund?

Whenever there’s a gift she would have liked to purchase, put some of what it would have cost to facilitate the grandchild’s future dreams. She can even call it the Grammy Fund if she wants attribution.

Or the gift of time: It can be as simple as a trip to the playground, singing songs while pushing the swings, or an adventure to the zoo or local museums (dinosaurs! airplanes!) or teaching skills (music, knitting, repairing a treasured stuffie, cooking together or whatever). Win-win for everyone: breathing time for the busy parents, shared experiences for the grandchild and grandmother, and happy memories for all.

I’m trying to pass on those joyful memories with my own grandchild. Who needs more stuff?

— Happy Grammy

Dear Grammy: I love these suggestions. Gift-giving is an act of love and love can come in many forms. Some readers wrote in suggesting that the grandmother buy whatever she wants and let the chips fall where they may. That’s also an option. But I think a little creativity can produce greater memories and keep everyone happy.

Dear Eric: I appreciated your response to the 47-year-old woman battling a terminal illness who was feeling very lonely (“Need Company”). One additional suggestion is for her to join a faith community, where she may find comfort, guidance and fellowship. We attend our services at our temple nearly every week and find all that within our temple community. We mention people at the end of our service who may be facing a health issue every week through a misheberach prayer (prayer for the sick). If nothing else, it reminds us of the people we care about who could use support or comfort. The LW may benefit from that also and she may even make a new friend or two.

— Finding Solace

Dear Solace: Faith communities and nonsectarian community groups can be wonderful resources for support, encouragement and companionship. They’re not for everyone, of course, but if the letter writer feels called to a particular faith or tradition, this is a great option.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

I ceased contact with the philanderer/deserter and have never spoken to the girlfriend (now wife), and I don’t intend to. Their divorce, because of the complexities of rearing children between two households, remains fraught, and the children are suffering because of it.

But they are moving into a house on the street where I live, and where I am friendly with everyone else.

How do I navigate this? I want to remain a steady presence in the children’s lives but have nothing to do with the narcissistic household.

— Pseudo Grandparent

Dear Grandparent: You can hold the line with the ex-husband. Not every neighbor needs to be your friend. But since you have a relationship with the kids and with their mom, you might talk to your friend about the new arrangement and ask her how you can best be supportive. It will probably be very helpful for the kids to have a place on the block that they know is safe and supportive. They may not yet be old enough to come visit on their own, so for now your weekly dinners may have to suffice. But continuing this tradition will strengthen the relationship you’re building and help them — the kids and your friend — to see you as a crucial support.

Dear Eric: Our daughter is 46 years old. She has been an addict most of her life, with short periods of sobriety. She is sadly now in a position of no place to live, no job; her children have completely cut her out of their lives. We bought her a car with the promise she would get a job — it hasn’t happened. My heart is broken, but I’m at my wits’ end. Sadly, she has an identical twin sister (who is a successful professional) who is deeply affected by this. Our other children are all successful with jobs and families. What can/should we do — my husband and I are in our 70s and on a fixed income.

— Heartbroken Mom

Dear Mom: This is hard for your daughter, for you, and for your entire family; I’m sorry. A core component of many recovery programs is an admission of powerlessness over addiction. Though painful, it will be helpful for you to admit powerlessness over your daughter’s addiction, as well. This doesn’t mean you love her any less nor does it mean you won’t do whatever you can to help. But it means you can’t take the steps she needs to take to recover. Only she can do that.

Be clear with your daughter that you want to help her, you love her, and you see the struggle she’s had most of her life. Guilt and shame are not going to motivate her — not that I think that’s a tactic you’re employing.

At this point, financial support is not going to help, and it has the potential to put you in dire straits. You may feel fear when setting this boundary for yourself. Talk about the feelings that come up with your loved ones, including your children, and in a group like SMART Recovery Family or Al-Anon. Having a robust support system will remind you that you’re not alone, your daughter is also not alone and there are options available to all of you.

Dear Eric: I applaud “Trying to Move Forward” for recognizing the need to truly forgive an abusive elder. My father’s mother was emotionally abusive to me and a sibling. She never cared enough to acknowledge her mistreatment or its effects. Counseling helped me begin to address my lingering attitude. I was encouraged to write a letter to her; read it aloud at her grave; and bury it there. It took me a while, but I did do exactly that and managed to release my anger.

I admit it took a number of years and more counseling for me to find socially acceptable wording to use when speaking of her. The habit of calling her what she was, more difficult to change. Habits influence attitudes. My attitude has definitely improved since I developed

the new habit when talking about my father’s mother. Perhaps, Trying to Move Forward or another reader will find this idea helpful.

— Done with Negative Cycles

Dear Done: Thank you for sharing this. Healing’s timetable is rarely what we want it to be, but I’m glad that you put in the work to get yourself to a better place.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

After she had the baby, she wanted to return to her “pre-baby weight,” so she signed up for this expensive diet plan where all the food comes semi-premade in a box. My son has had to provide his own meals. They do not sit down to dinner at the same time.

When she does her auxiliary grocery shopping, he has to pay for half, as a lot of that is for the baby and their cat. But she does not buy groceries for him specifically and he has to stop at the store and pick up food on his own dime and prepare his own dinner when he gets home.

The child is now going on three, and she has not returned to her exact pre-baby weight because she does not adhere strictly to the diet, but she looks fine. And she is a good cook and seems to enjoy aspects of cooking. But she continues this expensive diet food plan and is not responsible for feeding her husband meals.

This is something I find incredibly unacceptable, but I know that things are different today. There is a part of me that feels it is the wife’s duty to make dinner, just as it is the husband’s duty to mow the lawn and take out the trash and that she is staying on this diet because it absolves her from having to plan meals and fix dinner. I struggle to have a good relationship with her, so I say nothing. But what are your thoughts on this?

— Dinner is Optional

Dear Dinner: You’ll be much happier if you stay out of their food fight. Because from what you’ve written, it’s not a fight for them, only you. Maybe this arrangement doesn’t work for your son and he’s tired of making his own food. But he’s an adult and thems the breaks. If it’s a problem, he and his wife have to be the ones to solve it together.

A simple solution, I should think, would be for your son to add his groceries to the list with the baby’s food and the cat’s, thereby sharing all food costs equally. Or he can start ordering the prepared meals, too.

But inserting yourself, even with unspoken opinions, is going to lead to hard feelings. More to the point, it’s not appropriate and you should choose another path.

You’ll find it easier to have a relationship with your daughter-in-law if you release her from your expectations (and keep your eyes off her scale). Try to see her as a person who is doing what she can to make the most of her time as a worker, a mother, a wife and someone who doesn’t always want to stare at the fridge wondering what’s for dinner.

Dear Eric: From time to time, I hear a piece of gossip about somebody that I know. I usually neutralize the comment by saying, “I find that hard to believe.” And sometimes I add, “I don’t like to believe comments like this unless I’ve had that experience myself and I just haven’t seen it.” When I can, I try to follow up with the subject of the gossip to get the real story.

Recently I was told to be careful because a person I know had been dealing with alcoholism in the past.

When asked, I found out that this was not true, and that my other friend might have gotten the wrong idea because they worked at an alcohol center as an advocate.

I’m glad I asked, and I think we would all be better off if we don’t jump to conclusions. Should I go back and talk to the original gossiper to share the alternate story?

— Truth Teller

Dear Truth: In the play (and film) “Doubt,” there’s a real barnburner of a monologue in which a character compares gossip to feathers from a down pillow, carried off on the wind, that the gossiper is instructed to collect and stuff back in the pillow. “It can’t be done,” the gossiper claims, realizing the magnitude of their act.

Gossip can be framed as simply relaying information, but in the instance you’ve laid out, it seems the gossiper was throwing feathers out recklessly, under the guise of warning you. They should know better and do better. Personally, I wouldn’t trust this person’s account going forward. You’d be doing everyone a service by going back to the gossiper and correcting their story. You might also remind them that spreading stories not based in fact has consequences — it can harm the person being gossiped about and it makes the gossiper untrustworthy.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

Nevertheless, it didn’t work out and, fortunately, we didn’t have kids, so it was easy to finally get out of the situation. I’m happily married now, and I hear she is too.

I discovered some old photos that my mother saved that triggered some unpleasant memories. I contacted my first wife’s brother and sister and told them that their sister was an adulterer who wrecked two marriages, mine and the guy she cheated with.

The only person who doesn’t know is her father, who is now an elderly widower. On one hand, I feel he should know the true story of what happened with his daughter and me. On the other hand, I think that it’s enough that the brother and sister know. Should I just drop it and move on? Tell dad the real story?

— A Picture and a Thousand Words

Dear Picture: If you don’t move on, you’re going to be actively inviting the kind of chaos and unhappiness into your life that you sought to escape by leaving your marriage. So, please don’t continue to tell her family members about what she did. In fact, it’s best if you don’t communicate with her family at all. You’re no longer in a relationship, so this kind of reaching out isn’t appropriate.

It’s understandable that the picture brought back hard feelings, but I’d encourage you to talk with a friend or with a therapist about how to better manage them. Trying to besmirch your ex-wife — even with the truth — isn’t going to make you feel better. It’s going to create drama and strife for people who aren’t involved.

With respect, it sounds like you want revenge. Judging from your experience, that’s a conceivable emotional response, but you can’t stop there. Even if the family reached out to you, wondering what went wrong, you don’t need to engage. There are things that are unresolved for you from this marriage, but you won’t fix them by staying in the conflict. Give yourself the gift of freedom by processing what you’re feeling, finding healthier ways of managing those feelings, and leaving the marriage and its injuries in the past.

Dear Eric: Even before the pandemic, I worked a remote job full time from home. However, I have always had to deal with people (friends, family, neighbors, etc.) thinking that “working from home” equals “free to do whatever I want, whenever I want.” I get a lot of requests to “just go out to lunch today” or “let’s have an early happy hour” or “let’s go shopping.” Mostly these come from people who are either (A) retired, (B) have either flexible schedules or (C) are on shift work that does not take place when I am working.

I am very dedicated to my work and generally, unless I have a medical appointment or something of that nature, I am working. Therefore, in response to these invitations, I have explained (multiple times) that I am working the same eight hours that everyone in an office works — but they don’t seem to be getting it. “You can take off just one hour!”

I just keep explaining my hours, but I can’t be the only one going through this, right? What does everyone else say that can’t be construed as rude?

— Eight-Hour Day

Dear Eight Hour: Some light rudeness might be in order because these people are just not getting it and at this point it seems intentional. OK, let’s call it “pointed directness.”

The shape and nature of remote work varies job-to-job. Some people can catch a happy hour or long lunch and not suffer any consequences, but most others can’t. Your friends seem to be willfully ignoring this. So, I wouldn’t waste any more time and energy trying to explain it. If these requests are coming in during the workday, you might put those contacts behind your phone’s Do Not Disturb feature, so you don’t have to engage with them until you’re clocked out.

You might also respond to the next invite with a firm reminder: “I work the same hours every week. I want to see you when I’m off, but please stop inviting me to do things during the day. It makes me feel like you don’t respect me.”

The barrier between work and home life can be harder to navigate when there’s no physical separation. But you have a clear internal boundary, which works for you and for your job. It’s healthy to let people know that if they don’t respect the boundaries we’ve set, we sometimes have to remove ourselves for the health of the relationship.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

Our child is headed for college this fall. We agreed in the divorce that all of our kid’s expenses would be split evenly between us. I’ve been saving and have/will have enough for my half of the tuition. However, the kid earned enough in scholarships that I can easily pay 100 percent of their remaining expenses myself. I suspect that even half of the reduced college expenses will be a hardship for my ex. (I don’t know — or need/ want to know — how he planned to pay his half of the full tuition if the kid hadn’t gotten such significant merit aid.)

I have two options: Pay my half, and stash whatever is left into a fund for the kid’s grad school or first home or whatever launch assist they might need when the time comes. After all, I have extra because they got scholarships, so they should benefit in the long run, right? This also enables me to respond to any unanticipated expenses that might arise.

Or offer to cover a larger share, even all of it. That will mean less/no money left at the end for easing the transition into adulthood. But it will mean my ex doesn’t have to take out loans (I assume?) to meet his obligation. Saddling the kid with student loans is not in the cards.

Thoughts?

— Splitting the Bill

Dear Splitting: Option A, I beg of you! Firstly, not all public information is need-to-know information. I’d lump your ex-husband’s salary (and general financial state) as squarely in the Don’t Need to Know category. Thinking through all the angles is kind of you, but we can overstep with kindness, too. Keeping your eyes on your own wallet will be healthiest for you and for the separation.

Secondly, there will definitely be other expenses in your kid’s future. Unexpected Costs is the name of the game in your 20s. So, having a fund to help ease the journey through college and into early adulthood will be incredibly helpful.

Dear Eric: My sister-in-law cannot seem to get my name right. I first married at age 20, in 1973 when you pretty much just took your husband’s last name, and so I did. I went on to have a long teaching career, in which you pretty much just go by “Mrs. Smith.”

My first husband died of cancer after 42 years of marriage. Four years later, I found love again and remarried.

Honestly, having been known as “Mrs. Smith” for all those years as an educator, it had become my identity. I had that name over twice as long as my maiden name. So, I didn’t change my name when I married.

I’ve been married to my new husband for almost five years now and have continued to sign my name on every card, every return address, every document, everything, as “Mary Smith.”

My sister-in-law continues to address cards to me as “Mary Jones.” She has to know that is not my name, I include my “Smith” name on the return address of every card I send.

I should also say that she and I probably have differing opinions on most things, including religion and politics. We never discuss either in family gatherings, keeping things superficial but congenial when we are together.

Another birthday card arrived, addressed to “Mary Jones.” How wonderful she remembers my birthday. How annoying that she addresses it to someone that I am not. (It is, in fact, the name of my husband’s aunt.) Do I continue to ignore what has become to me an irritant, or should I bring it up at some point?

— Name Games

Dear Name Games: Bring! It! Up! (Imagine me chanting that like I’m an audience member on a game show.) It might be an oversight; it might be an intentional slight but either way it’s not your name. “I’ve noticed you address me as Mary Jones, but I didn’t take [husband’s] name. I’m glad you’re so eager to welcome him to the family. But no need to update your address book. The love is the same, no matter the name.”

It may feel like you’re breaking the unspoken rule about treating each other’s differences with congeniality, but this isn’t an opinion. It’s a fact. Your name is your name, and she can learn it. In fact, she already did, years ago.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)